A whiiiile ago, I was invited to perform as a go-go dancer at the Theater Offensive’s annual fundraiser, ClimACTS (which was on Tuesday, 4/28). It’s circus-themed, it’s in the Big Apple Circus tent, it’s $175 a ticket and well, just. Obviously, I said yes. Hi, have you met me?
What I didn’t find out until the night beforehand was that the ringmaster this year was Amanda Fucking Palmer. So the phone call to Dirty Nellie (who was also go-go dancing with me) went something like this-
Me: Um, did you know Amanda Palmer was hosting?!
Dirty Nellie: Wait…what?
Me: Because I figured you would have TOLD ME if you knew! And I didn’t know!
Me: OMG OMG OMG. OMG. OMG we’re going to dance in front of Amanda Palmer.
So yes, I got there and got all checked in and then put on my outfit, which was, from bottom to top: pink high-top converses, lace top fishnet thigh highs(over dance tights), black booty shorts with “Harlots like it on all fours” on the ass in red, black garter belt with pink velvet trim, short sheer crinoline flouncy-flounce skirt, black canvas corset with white polka dots, black satin bra, incredibly tacky black “onyx” and rhinestone necklace, pink satin ribbon tied around my ponytail, and a metric ton of silver glitter in my hair. I wore the high tops because I wasn’t sure how much dancing I’d be doing or for how long. And thank fuck I did that, because as it was, my legs almost fell off from dancing, and I can’t imagine how I would have fared if my feet were all busted up from wearing heels all night, too.
So, they gave us a tour of the whole place beforehand, so we could direct people, and lo and behold, in the big tent, there was Amanda Palmer, finishing up her sound check. Nellie and I mildly freak out. Somehow, we manage to just watch her sing and not run into the ring and molest her. N and I got selected to fire confetti guns at the end of the show, so keep in mind that for all my !!!, at the end of the night, I ended up basically assaulting Amanda just to look at her outfit, which was a flouncy Moulin Rouge-y corset made entirely out of blue sequins and gold beaded fringe. (Amanda barely noticed, she was talking to drag queens).
But! Before I had had enough to drink to manage Not Being An Idiot, there was the VIP reception! Which involved many go-go dancers, and me being ordered to mingle and be fabulous, and also being told that the drinks were being mixed to kill (and that was accurate – I had a martini, I thought it was going to mug me). And at one point, I accidentally walked into someone else walking cross-wise, and her drink ended up mostly all over me, and only somewhat back in her glass. I said, “Ohmygod, I am so sorry! Do you want me to get you another one?” And she said, “No, that’s fine. It’s…all over you.” [gestures to my rack] Me: “Oh, do you want to lick it off?” Her: “Okay!” And so that happened.
And then N and I noticed Amanda Palmer mingling in the crowd, and so I walked over and was all, “Hi, um, I’m really glad you’re here and I just wanted to introduce myself.” And she said thanks and she was glad to be a part of the event, and how great Theater Offensive was. And I agreed, and when she shook my hand, she held my hand with both of hers and it was awesome. And then she looked down at my rack, went, “Oh god, these are huge!”
And then she touched them.
And I was like, “Well, um.” And then WITH HANDS STILL ON MY RACK, she goes “I wish mine were bigger.” And then she grabbed HER boobs. And I was like “UM NO YOURS ARE GRATE. ALSOILOVEYOURBELLY.” And she was like, “now THAT is nice and big!” and she started rubbing her belly. And then I just…could not stand there anymore, and so I was like, “Well, I know you’re supposed to be shmoozing with donors, so I don’t want to monopolize you.” And she said, “Okay, byeeee.” And reached out and RAN HER HAND FROM MY SHOULDER ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY WRIST and sloooooowly walked away, all the while looking at me.
YES I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE I’M WRITING FANFIC. I AM NOT. THIS SHIT HAPPENED.
Oh, and when we got back to the performer tent, there was a draq queen pillow fight. DRAG QUEEN PILLOW FIGHT. And I turned to Dirty Nellie and said, “this is seriously one of the best nights of my life.”